Saturday, March 29, 2008

BOILERPLATE FOR WRITING TO CLIENTS

Dear Stakeholder:
This routine, bureaucratic-say-nothing-bullshit acknowledgement is in response
to your letter dated XXXXXX. I am a corporate sycophant and am not authorized
to engage in intelligent information exchange with our customers who buy our products
and services so corporate staff can enjoy gainful employment and good wages - making
possible the good life! Frankly, we do not really have time to deal with letters from
our customers because we think:

* those customers who write are cranks who can never be satisfied;
* those customers who write are just out to get something for free;
* we think we know what our customers need and deserve and that is what we supply;
* frankly, we are too busy taking "Total Quality Service" courses to waste time implementing what we learn;

* we are not interested in consumer complaints as it makes our management unhappy;
* we think that you do not have enough intelligence to fully understand our services and products and that you do not appreciate the superior minds that have created them for you;
* if you really knew what goes on around here you would not waste your time writing to us; you would see your lawyer or certainly not be a repeat customer.

You can be assured that your letter has been:
* filed in file 13 (the waste basket);
* has been placed in the corporate mail system for transfer to our office closest to you for follow-up action - this usually ensures that it goes lost.

We hope this reply closes this matter to your satisfaction. Enclosed is one of our computer-readable client satisfaction survey forms. Please ensure that all ratings are indicated by using a BLACK, SOFT pencil and that the entire block is darkened.

Our corporation is dedicated to continuous improvement through the application of technology and total quality management principles. If the computer detects any written comments on the survey form, it will send it to this division, authorizing a corporate sycophant to do a follow-up by issuing another copy of this moronic, bureaucratic-say-nothing-bullshit acknowledgement!

We want to hear what you have to say, as long as you say what we want to hear!

We are not in the business of providing anything to anybody;
we are strictly in the business of making a living.

1 comment:

leany said...

The term boilerplate originated in the offices of 19th Century American newspapers. Back then, newspapers were printed from metal plates that were cast from mats made by the paper’s typesetters. Some of the savvier news agencies and syndicates would send out their press releases or columns in pre-cast metal plates that could not be altered
------------------------
hennry

social network advertising